Step one: Honesty and admitting that I’ve contributed to my own suffering.
I got fat.
I’d been in denial for quite some time but this last year I knew the problem was all my fault. I still had a challenging time accepting it though. I didn’t want to think about it. These last couple of years have been really difficult for me. I’ve dealt with family drug addictions, becoming power of attorney for one of my parents (who is also now in a nursing facility full-time at the age of 59) and one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever had to deal with in my life: the death of somebody I loved very dearly from suicide. My mind has been all over the place. It’s been a very difficult journey, trying to figure out what to do now and where to turn.
In all honesty, this blog really didn’t get much attention last year. It frustrates me very much because my one true passion was sharing things with you, and I feel like I failed at that this last year.
Social media overwhelms me lately, does it overwhelm you? Perhaps it’s just because I’ve had too much on my plate. My brain feels like it has just been like put in a blender and swirled into a million pieces until it became a smoothie. That’s the truth. And then I go to work every other week (which I should not be complaining because it’s only every other week so I cram 40 hours into 4 days and then I’m off for a week and a half but), it’s still a mentally draining job for me because every other week I go into work and I am taking care of drug-addicted patients, and I’m still trying to cope and deal with the drugs, alcohol, and suicidal ideations. And all of those hit me personally barely a year ago.
Why am I saying all this? I’m tired, but I’m ready to start all over again.
So last year well, let’s be honest, over the past five years I’ve gotten chubby, but, last year I really packed on that last 10 pounds and got fat. And I didn’t even care, it just added up from a lack of discipline and a lack of wanting to try anymore. Not an excuse, but it really correlated with me trying to deal with grief.
We don’t talk about grieving enough. I feel that I am currently swimming my way out of grieving. I am beginning to surface again, it’s going to be a long process, but I have hope.
It’s funny when things happen in your life that are life-changing; life-altering. You expect some of your friends to be there more for you, at least I did. I was always that friend that if you contacted me I would be communicating with you as much as you wanted. I’d be there for you, and when all of these things happened to me, I suddenly had never felt so alone in my life. I still feel that way.
Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I am going to start writing regularly again on here. I’m going to start sharing more stories on here because I don’t have a large support system anymore at home. I’m not quite sure what the meaning of this post is, it’s not inspirational, it’s not informative, I just feel that its kind of getting back to the roots of writing: sharing how I feel.
I started this blog in April 2012.
Looking back all of the posts were so cheesy, yet I wouldn’t change anything for the world. I can glance back and see how my life used to be, how small my kids were, and I can appreciate the better times. This new decade is probably going to be more difficult than the last one. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic but I need to be realistic to be happy, and right now I know that sharing my feelings my Inspirations my ideas on this crazy little spot on the internet of mine is going to make me happy, so that’s what I really need to start doing again.
I’ve got 40 pounds that I want to lose. For the past 19 days though, I’ve been keeping track of my caloric intake on a free app.
So, yes. I admit that I’ve contributed to my own suffering, but I’m ready to start crawling out of that mess.
Welcome my friends to 2020, let’s see where the next decade takes us.
~Melissa